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Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #391
    A police officer radios back to the station:
    "Sarge, an old lady has just shot her husband for walking on the floor she's just mopped"
    Sergeant: "Have you arrested her"
    Officer: "Not yet, the floor's still wet"

  2. #392
    A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts the sheep, and runs back to the farmer.
    The farmer says, “How many?”
    The dog says, “40”.
    The farmer is surprised and says “How can there be 40 - I only bought 38!”
    The dog says “I rounded them up!”

  3. #393
    I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… I came second.

  4. #394

  5. #395
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
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    Muineachán
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    7,548
    I'm not saying Manchester's a shitehole but there's a guy down the market there selling fake Primark gear.
    It`s Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven!

  6. #396
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Muineachán
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    Right, I'm going to be releasing a Christmas song called "Duvet Know it's Christmas?"

    It's a cover version.
    It`s Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven!

  7. #397
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Just outside of...
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    Quote Originally Posted by justincredible View Post
    Right, I'm going to be releasing a Christmas song called "Duvet Know it's Christmas?"

    It's a cover version.
    Opened the crackers early this year?
     Denk Anders

  8. #398
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Just outside of...
    Posts
    13,975
    Why didn’t Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole?

    He couldn’t get past Iceland.
     Denk Anders

  9. #399
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Brighton
    Posts
    731
    Oh lordy...


  10. #400
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Anxiety Avenue in Tinnitus Town
    Posts
    3,741
    There was a teacher giving a lesson in class and she goes 'Right children can you name an animal beginning with the letter A?'...Dirty little Alfie in the corner growls 'Oooo Miss got to be a.r.sehole Miss?',she ignores him and little Sarah goes 'Antelope Miss?',she goes 'very good Sarah well done'....Next the teacher goes 'OK children can you name an animal beginning with B?'....Dirty little Alfie retorts with 'Oooo Miss got to be bum Miss?',she again ignores him and points at little Davy who goes 'Bear Miss?'....'Well done Davy well done' says teacher.

    Teacher then goes 'OK children can you name an animal beginning with C?',again Dirty Alfie goes 'Oooo Miss got to be C.u.nt Miss got to be C.u.nt?'...Once again teacher ignores him and little Anna goes 'Cat Miss?','well done Anna,well done' goes teacher....'OK children can you now name an animal beginning with D?'....Little Alfie pipes up with 'Ooooo Miss I know,I know?',teacher thinks 'Well there's not many dirty words beginning with D?',she goes OK Alfie what is it? and he goes 'a Dwarf miss with a big p.r.ick and hairy boll.ocks!'...
    Last edited by Martyboy; 24th December 2016 at 10:09 PM.

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