Page 4 of 41 FirstFirst 123456789101114 ... LastLast
Results 31 to 40 of 405

Thread: Jokes & Funnies

  1. #31
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Muineachán
    Posts
    7,700
    Just been on Trip Advisor.

    They recommend LSD and magic mushrooms.....
    It`s Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven!

  2. #32
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Muineachán
    Posts
    7,700
    This one's for Smithy.....


    Isn't it interesting how times change? Twenty years ago, adverts for sanitary towels used blue liquid to represent disgusting stuff coming out of cunts.

    These days, adverts for WKD use blue liquid to represent disgusting stuff going into cunts.
    It`s Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven!

  3. #33
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Over the hill
    Posts
    678
    Quote Originally Posted by justincredible View Post
    A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

    He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

    "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

    The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

    "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

    The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

    The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
    chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

    Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
    time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

    "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

    "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
    can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

    Nahh," said the bloke,

    "I'm just a really bad conductor."
    Honestly, dont they do police checks for employment over there??
    Could have, should have, would have. It's never 'of'.

  4. #34
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Muineachán
    Posts
    7,700
    Police?

  5. #35
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Muineachán
    Posts
    7,700
    Dual Wielding AK's.....


    It`s Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven!

  6. #36
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Muineachán
    Posts
    7,700
    It`s Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven!

  7. #37
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Muineachán
    Posts
    7,700
    It`s Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven!

  8. #38
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Muineachán
    Posts
    7,700
    I was walking along the street when I came across a guy sitting on the pavement, begging.
    Poor fucker had an arm and a leg missing, and his clothes had seen better days.
    He had a sign in front of him which read:
    'FALKLANDS WAR VETERAN'.
    I thought to myself, "What a fucking disgrace! A Falklands War Veteran begging on the street. What's this country coming to?"
    Feeling guilty, I chucked £20 in his pot.
    He said "MUCHAS GRACIAS, SENOR."
    It`s Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven!

  9. #39
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    10,099
    Oscar Pistorius has changed his story so much, that later today he will finally confess.

    He wasn't in South Africa at the time of Reeva's murder.

  10. #40
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Muineachán
    Posts
    7,700
    My girlfriend is leaving me because she said I think too highly of myself. I told her not to let the door hit her on the way back in.
    It`s Better To Reign In Hell, Than Serve In Heaven!

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •